It’s 10:33 p.m. and I’m writing. I’m writing because I don’t know what in the world I’m doing. I just had a 30 minute conversation that consisted of tears and pleading with my 13 year old, essentially begging her to give homeschooling a chance.
In case you haven’t read any of my other blogs, we will be homeschooling this year for the 1st time. My earlier blogs contain all of the reasons I’m apprehensive, my fear of failure, the reason I decided to homeschool, but they don’t explain what life is like for me as a 32 year old mom of a 13 year old girl who’s been in public school all of her life.
My oldest daughter, Leiana, has thoroughly enjoyed her time at public school. She loves her friends and the social opportunities public school affords. She is dead set against homeschooling. And when I say DEAD SET, I mean 6 feet under dead. She’s not having it… no way, shape, form, or fashion.
As a Christian, my JOB is to follow God’s calling for my family and for myself. To say that I’m not the type of mom that would homeschool is the biggest understatement ever uttered from one’s mouth. To say that I have “the patience of Job” is a flat out lie. To even say that I’m encouraged or excited by the idea of spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with my children would be a lie so colossal even the Devil would be impressed. Now that you think I’m a terrible mom (but a truthful one), you will understand how the idea of homeschooling COULD NOT have been my own. It was and is God’s plan.
This entire summer, I’ve spent countless hours attempting to put together the perfect curriculum. I’ve spent the summer trying to think of the most important things… daydreaming about how I’m going to show my children how fun homeschooling can be. I feel the need to PROVE to everyone that I can do this. But I’ve spent the majority of my time trying to prove to my oldest that the world isn’t going to end because she’s being homeschooled.
Tonight I was in tears. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that God spoke to my heart and led me down this path but how do I fully explain this to a 13 year old that (even if she could understand this plan she really wouldn’t care) is only concerned about what she’s going to miss out on? How do I explain to her that the tiny portion of the future she’s considering doesn’t compare to the remainder of her life I’m concerned with? How, as a mother, can I convince someone of something they don’t WANT to believe?
Through my tears tonight, I told her that this wasn’t my plan and I was tired of having to explain it to everyone and their brother. I am tired of hearing “Oh, that’s nice. I hope it works out for you guys” or “Public school is always an option if this whole homeschooling thing doesn’t work out”. I am tired of trying to explain it to others. I am tired of trying to pump her up about it. I am tired of trying to make it out to be fun, exciting, entertaining, spectacular, when, in actuality, it’s going to be WORK. I’m tired of hearing “I’m going to miss my friends” and “I won’t ever be normal if I’m stuck here all of the time”. I’m tired of stressing over curriculum. I’m tired of buying everything to start this new school. I’m tired of the drama that has come with this decision.
I went to my bathroom to throw a pity party for myself and realized something. GOD didn’t tell me that it would be easy. He didn’t say that it would be fun. He ONLY said that I needed to follow. He didn’t say where I was headed or how long I would be there. He didn’t say that I’d be pumped up all the way or that I wouldn’t get discouraged and tired. He just said, “Follow me”. And that’s what I’m doing. Come hell or high water, I’m going to follow.
During the crying fits of my daughter, it would be easy to just say “Forget it. I’ll put you back in public school”. It would be SO much easier. Easier for the time being. Just like Leiana is looking at her future as if it begins and ends with this 8th grade school year, I’m looking at her future in it’s entirety, just as my Father (God) is doing the same thing. Sure, it’d be easier on her if she had her friends and it’d be easier on me not to have to deal with the struggle with her. For her future, however, it would be a huge mistake. And for my future, not following God’s plan would be a huge mistake. WE are His children. Just as our children should follow our path, we, as adults, should follow His.
When I look at the bigger picture, whether or not Leiana pitches a fit at the idea of homeschooling is inconsequential. Being an adult means doing tough things. One day she’ll understand. Until then, I can only pray.
*Oh, and those people that say the nice/nasty things about God’s plan for our family now get a response of “This is God’s plan and God’s plan never fails”. 🙂
*And my daughter isn’t a spoiled brat… if you’re wondering. She’s just a normal 13 year old scared of becoming a weird, socially neglected, homeschooled child.
* And yes, contrary to popular belief, I love my children! 🙂